Saturday, December 10, 2005

Contemplation


In the marble orchard
of stark stillness
we remain separated in
time.

You bask in the sun
while I grieve in
the chill of the
shade.




Written for an exercise on S & Co(Ryze)



Photo Courtesy:Ashish Gorde

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Intuition

She came into our world on the 30th day of October 2001.A day like any other, and yet not quite. For something warned me, an unfathomable feeling, that things were ‘not all right’.

A day prior to her birth Dr S, my gynecologist of 9 months fell ill and was admitted into intensive care. In just over few hours, my case was transferred to her aunt and I had a brand new gynecologist. At that moment, I had little choice, just a host of unanswered questions. Would Dr M, my doctor of just 24 hours be patient and empathetic? I didn’t have a comfort level with her at all. Overall the prospect was strange and daunting.
She was born via a caesarian section because the scan revealed I was close to an uterine rupture and the foetus was in distress. Things seem to move too fast, too soon for me to assimilate and comprehend. Post surgery, despite the sedating effect of the anesthesia, I gazed at my fragile and beautiful new born and held her in my arms, close to my heart.

And I felt a sense of deep dread.

My first night, post birth, was spent alone. The baby was in the nursery. And I was in a room with many others with no space for an attendant. I had no fear, just the fatigue that ensues after birth. The nurse brought me my baby for her feed. I held her close, inhaling her baby fragrance and smoothed her curly hair while I basked in the feeling of being a mother all over again. And then it hit me, in waves, the unease and fear that seemed to smother and gag me.A strong feeling from deep within, of wanting to reject her, to push her away from me. And a sense of sheer helplessness. Exactly like what my pet cat would do instinctively to the weakest of her litter knowing that it would not survive. I felt it but did not know how to act upon this feeling. My baby returned to the nursery and I drifted into a disturbed sleep.

The next morning I shifted to a separate room with my baby. Hard as I tried to push away the feelings of the previous day, some part of me continued to dwell on it. And yet I dared not mention it to anyone lest they thought I had lost it. Soon after, Dr.B, her pediatrician whom I had known since my first child’s birth came by on his daily rounds.
Before he could ask about the baby or me, I blurted out, “Something is wrong Dr B. I don’t know what it is but...something is...”!!!
He didn’t scoff or look like I had gone crazy but reassured me instead, “She looks fine Mrs. Kumar. There doesn’t seem any cause for worry. I’ll check her up anyway”.
I looked on while he examined her in her cot. After a slow and thorough checkup, he told me the baby was fine and that her Apgar scores at birth had been absolutely normal. I was too tired to persist with the agonizing questions. He said he would drop by later and walked towards the door.

And then, just as he was about to step out, he turned, walked back towards me and looking a trifle unsure, asked, “Would it be all right if I took your baby for a 2-D Echo checkup? I felt a heart murmur just now. Murmurs are very common in new borns and 80% of the time I ignore them. But something here tells me I shouldn’t.”

I nodded my head in agreement. My baby was whisked away for the tests. I was alone in my room with the empty cot beside me. Half an hour later, there was a knock at the door and a pediatric intern walked in. In the most clinical tone that he could muster he informed me, “Your baby has a rare congenital heart defect and we have had to shift her to the neo natal ICU.She is now on a respirator”. My heart stopped and my mind raced with questions, doubts and yet more questions.

Then, Dr B entered looking worried yet confident.
I asked him, “How did you find out?”
He replied, “I just trusted a mother’s intuition”.


I wrote this prose piece for a writing exercise on "Paranormal" for a Writers Network.It is a real life situation.I am glad I could write it as it is cathartic in many ways.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Conversations and Life

I met someone for the first time and as we were conversing,
he asked me,"What do you do?"
I answered,"I live my life"
He replied,"No,I meant what do you do for a living?How do you spend your time?
I answered,"I shape lives".I am a mother and a wife and my life is a non stop whirl!
He did not get it I am sure as there were no more questions asked.

What do I really do?His questions made me ponder.Do I need to earn money to really be doing something?Isn't living my life the best way I can and wanting to be more of what I am as each day passes by...classify as doing something?
It does for me.
And as for shaping lives,a woman's energies influences her home in ways nothing else can.
I see this every day!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Am I grabbing
onto
something
outside of me.....

when all I actually
have to do
is to fix something
wrong
within myself?

or do I just think too much?
:)

Love

Love is in.......

pink petalled flowers
a lotus in bloom.

a bride swathed in silk
bedecked for her groom.

laughter lines that none can erase
a gentle caress,a loving gaze.

the hesitant first steps of a little child
exploring,learning and growing with life.

being natural,like a state of mind
not just in words can love we find.......

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Life's lessons

Why are all children so special?
and
why are special children all that "more special"?
No defining characteristic that I can pinpoint nor
can i put my finger on the pulse of that "feeling"..
the feeling that gently tugs at me when I see my child,
my special one..

She turned 4 last week...4 whole years since her birth.I cannot say they have been long years but yes they have been "learning years",a messy yet challenging journey of learning for me as a mother and as an indivdual.

I still recollect those myriad emotions when I discovered that she was born with a rare heart disorder....that incessant "why me",to the racking guilt,the tormenting self-pity,sheer helplessness,anger and just about any negative emotion that you could name...I experienced all of them!

And now..
I have learnt to have faith,courage and hope...that beautiful feeling of never giving up on life and what it has to offer.
and she has that special something which lights up her face and makes her eyes sparkle and shine and her smile,that million dollar smile that lights up our life each and every day. Maybe that's what makes her special.
:)

Sunday, October 02, 2005

The Chocolate Kiss

A birthday celebration,
a group of friends,
the candles were in place,
all were smiles,
happy, light and joyous
energies were palpable.

She blew the candles,
the song was sung
the cake was cut
clapping and cheering
I watched and smiled at their happiness...

She smeared chocolate over his lips.
He gently touched her lips with the chocolate too.
And then they kissed each other
chocolate kisses
laughing and giggling
the camera clicked.....


:)

I am no voyeur but a "people observer".I had a lazy afternoon coffee at "theobroma"(Food of the Gods),an eatery and the sight of tender unspoken love made me feel very good.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Tears

Pools of sadness
filled to the brim...
I try to heal them
but
they never spill......

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Sun

As I stand silently by the sea
and its lapping waves,
you embrace me in your warmth,
your radiance,the spark that
uplifts me,awakens me...
to a new morning..

I welcome you with open arms.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Do we see things as we are?

I sat on the solitary stone bench
without feeling its cold hardness.
Is this what happens when one gets
so involved with one’s own self?
That nothing around seems to matter…

Why did I not want to see the
solitary red blossom as it smiled at me,
to hear the bird as it sang its melody
and feel the gentle wind as it brushed past me
trying their best to bring me back to
the present…

Maybe it was one of those moments
where I wanted to retreat into my
own little protected space
where nothing exists but me
and my emotional madness...

Thank God it is temporary!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Introspecting

peace and anger

tranquility and turmoil

do they chaperone each other?

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Essence

I cannot always be like a flower,
I have a lot of garbage as well.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Just a thought

Uncharted zone
transitory
perhaps,
like treading on egg shells
crackling
beneath.

Mind games

We fight a war
each day
silently sparring
feelings,thoughts,words
bouncing against
the walls of
our minds…..

I lose
You lose.

It never really ends……

Monday, August 08, 2005

Mind

Calm as a lake
touched by
occasional ripples..
gentle refelections of
dancing clouds..
pass by just
skimming the surface.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Hospitals

Hospitals have an air about them.Grim,matter of fact and busy...! I am used to them or rather I thought I was used to them.Every visit only renews the feeling of starkness and reality about them.The sharp smell of disinfectant,the color white,the narrow beds and preoccupied faces.Amit is so used to them but I am not.I still feel that butterfly in the stomach sensation before I enter a hospital and feel worried until whatever it is that needs to be done is done.

We spent 2 days in the hospital last week with my younger daughter Diti who underwent a surgical procedure for her cerebral palsy.Surprisingly she has been a hospital baby since birth and shows no sign of discomfort or unease with the doctors and in hospitals.Lucky girl :)
Maybe some of her will rub off on me.
She is back home now recovering.It is going to take time before she is on her feet but she is on her way there!! :)

J
July 26th'2005

Sunday, July 03, 2005

What If?

What if you grew wings?

You could fly
You could soar
To unexpected heights
Unimaginable goals.

Explore the world,
its mysteries
kiss the magical skies
glide the mystical seas.

Befriend the birds
and animals too
Become one with nature
with the wings you grew.

Be unfettered, unbound
No holding back in pain.
Sheer ecstasy and bliss
of tasting freedom again.

No more “what ifs”
About what life can bring
I just wish….
You could grow wings!

For Anandita
March 2003

Monday, June 27, 2005

Christina's World by Andrew Wyeth


Was she lost
or just transported
to another world?

Of lush grass in hues of
emerald and rust.
Of sunlight splaying
from light blue skies.
Of a distant home
Beckoning in its stillness.



Enveloped in solitude
and a strange sense of quiet,
she gazed with longing,
a quiet urgency
into the expanse
ahead.

The indescribable longing
this yearning to reach out
to be cradled,nurtured
cosseted in warmth and love
so palpable yet so subtle
in the tremble of her body

She tried to move
but could not..
She tried to cross the
barriers of her helplessness and anguish…..
But she remained frozen in that
moment forever.

Gazing at her home,
So distant in its allure
So inviting in its warmth
Yet far beyond her reach.


This was written for a Writing Exercise for a Writers Board,one of my few attempts!

June 2005

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

False fronts

Why do I create this facade?
This false impression
of a capable, strong, super woman,
of grit and steel
of someone whose heart cannot melt
or be touched……
of someone who can cope and manage
with any situation peacefully and calmly.
of someone who bounces back from
reverses with renewed vigor and energy
every time..

Is it me or a fa├žade?
That I prefer to portray
So that I can hide
and conceal my real self…
Oh so effortlessly, so smoothly that
only a few, those privileged few can see
the real Me.

Why?
Why can’t I just let myself be?
to rant and rave
to show my pain
express my joy
sing my own tune
dance to my music
laugh like my inner child
cross all barriers and
move into new possibilities…

What stops me from
being just me?

Monday, June 13, 2005

Changed hues

Changed hues
of our intense relationship
like shifting seasons
and the sands of time.

A tranformation
that has been gradual
yet peaceful
an awareness accompanied
with a quiet acceptance.

A wonderful journey ,a blend and
intermingling
of joy and pain
of bonding and connecting
of learning and growing.

We have shared and expressed
fought and loved
with an intimacy
that belies the fact that
we have just met.

And the miracle of it
never ceases to amaze me ...
How could we connect so magically?
How could we reflect so much of ourselves
in each other?

Like one soul in two bodies...

Thoughts

The thoughts I think
are my best friends,
weaving the
tapestry of my life.
Through twists and turns
they offer me
solace as well as
pain.
They surround me
engulf me
moment by moment
as
I try to catch them
to grasp them
so as
to ask myself.....
Is this the thought
with which I want to create my future?

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Questions?

Situations,
reverses
keep repeating themselves
in my life.

What
is it that
I have not yet learnt
or understood
that it keeps reoccuring
with a vengeance?

How
do I learn
do I understand
do I let go
and move on?

Where
am I failing
or am I not?
Is it that I am resisting
and lacking acceptance?

When
will I ever learn?
Will I ever conquer this
restlessness and
anguish?

So many questions.....

Although,
in moments of sanity
deep down
I realize where
the answers lie!

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Memories

Faint wisps,so gentle
stored away in
the deep recesses
of my mind.

Waiting to be
unleashed,refreshed
with warmth and
nostalgia.

It feels like a picture story
as one scene
follows
the other.

Of words and images
of a vast glorious landscape
captured in its finest
moments..

By my mind....

My mind,
so intricate,
subtle,
and versatile.

Yet so treacherous.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Going Home

I feel
disoriented
dissociated
disoconnected
from all that is going on
around me…

The myraid roles
that I play
of daughter
sister
wife
and mother

And amidst the chaos
I search for those
few moments
where I can be me….

Returning to my parents home after 2 years was a revelation.I thought I had grown(not just physically :))but also spiritually) wiser over the years and that I would be able to handle volatile emotions and arguments easily and smoothly! However hard I tried,I could not hold on to my sense of reasoning and calm.Small issues irked me,words hurt me and anything that was not acceptable irritated me.I blamed it on the intense heat and humidity which was energy depleting to say the least but after a few days I realized it was'nt just that..

It was me.Certainly the weather could not dictate my moods.I was feeling uprooted as if I was back into a situation that I thought that I had left behind with the passing years.I was behaving as if I had to vent and I wanted to scream "Give me my own space".It was not as if my family was demanding my time,I just felt it so.My misguided perception that dictated my moods.

I got a chance to go on a holiday with them,my very first with them after 13 years of marriage.My parents,sister,my daughters and me!True family bonding occured in the valley of Coorg that we visited.Memories exchanged between my sister and me while my daughter learnt more about her "nana's" childhood without electricity and amenities. We fought and squabbled,laughed and cried together like the family I knew all these years and had grown up with.

We all change.We all play different roles through our lives.I learnt this time albeit painfully to flow into the role-changes with acceptance,patience and self-restraint.

And yes I look forward to another bonding holiday soon.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

PAIN

To heal I need you
to feel you
to touch you
in your rawness
as you tear me apart
till the tears flow....

Your beauty lies in
that you remain hidden
unrevealed
closeted
behind all the layers
so that no one else can
have a glimpse of you but me...

But only when
I can venture in there
into that empty space you occupy
where I can savor your feel
your fullness
and absorb you
and also release you bit by bit
day after day....

You are'nt my friend
nor are you my enemy
just my teacher
teaching me lessons
through challenges
that i have ignored so far...

I go to bed each night
feeling I have conquered you
just that bit
that little bit
and just when I get
a glimpse of the light ahead..

I also see the shadows..

Friday, April 22, 2005

Growing up!

My daughter teaches me new lessons every day, presents me with new challenges and poses several questions for me to answer. Questions that seem inane but have tremendous importance for her. At times I feel like discarding it aside and handling it later but the value lies in that particular moment when the question is asked. So much depends on me, the parent then.

She is right now 9 with one step into her 10th year...a decade old as she says. She doesn’t treat me as ancient yet and is still going through the stages of emulating her mother while carving out her identity in her own way. She whizzes between periods of sheer rebellion and times of great sharing and love with me….and I whiz along with her too. Not in rebelling but in steeling myself to listen calmly and peacefully while she raves about why she shouldn’t grow her hair longer than it is….and the list is endless. I let her be.
Just another stage of growing up. Beautiful I find it and revealing too. As my child has grown from year to year I have found myself growing too with her, her needs have changed as she has grown and mine have too. Maybe that is why parenting is an important part of self-growth and evolving of one’s character.

She was away with her school for a 2 day overnight educational trip. She enjoyed the break and the new environment while I enjoyed her absence in a different way. When I reached her school to pick her up, I saw her at a distance happy and smiling coming over to greet me. I hugged and kissed her spontaneously ….and ….she was actually shy “Mamma, everyone is looking” and I was smiling away from ear to ear. She has grown up all right!!

I hope she blossoms into a beautiful woman someday, not just in appearance but also in spirit.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Untitled

The Universe conspires in so many ways.....
I resist ...
despite knowing that I have to surrender
ultimately.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

BLACK

Have you ever experienced?
A magical night in its starkness,
As it silently encloses you
In its opaque darkness.

Have you ever borne?
Intense grief
Where words prove inadequate,
And life seems bleak.

Have you ever undergone?
Deep and silent pain
Where all seems lost
And there is nothing to gain.

As the day creeps into dusk
Softly and stealthily
As the stars tip-toe
Into the dark, black sky.

As the sky is filled with
hues of a mysterious kind
You will understand what’s
black and why!

Black! Is it just a color of grief
A color of pain
A color of life
unexplained?

Is it plain dismal?
A portender of sorrows
Sometimes sinister, sometimes creepy,
Imbued with shadows


Black! So deep, so dark
Is it just an opposite to white?
A memory of a cold winter night
Contrary to all things bright
or

Is it a symbolic expression of
Grief and sadness,
That is….
Intertwined in our lives
With joy and gladness

But isn’t she beautiful,
Devilishly so,
Strikingly graceful
Impenetrable, immutable

All encompassing, it moves in and
surrounds,
Unfathomable, mysterious
Undeniably profound


One of my first poems and now when i look back,i wonder was this a forced expression,the need to rhyme.Did i let the words flow or did i contrive to make them so??

Friday, April 01, 2005

Then and Now

I have always been lucky but never realized it.
I never noticed the abundance in my life until I experienced a lack.
I never tuned into the signals I was receiving,pretending they did not exist,until I learnt my lessons the hard way.

Now
every knock,every jolt makes me aware of
how I have grown
how I am evolving
how I am not the same person I used to be

Now
I ask for more knocks
not to suffer
but to learn
to be able to go beyond my narrow ego barriers
and to be able to tap into my deepest resources which surface
with every defeat
with every lesson

I learn every day
The lessons are new
My days are new

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Letting go

why do i not accept that
when something leaves my life
it is always for something new and fresh to enter.

like the freshness of the morning ocean breeze
after a warm,sultry night.

like the sight of a morning sun
gentle and soothing as it
rises behind the dank and dirty shanties.

like the beautiful crimson sun
as it dips into the sea
after a hard and tiring day.

like the soft sounds of the ocean waves
amidst the cacophony of noises

why cannot i let go and be free?

Written in not so lucid moments of mental disarray
March 2005

Thursday, March 24, 2005

I am

I am a fragile clay pot
easily molded
easily broken....

Handle me with care for,
I have a soul within
brimming with wisdom and love....

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

The Magical Curtain

As I step into my mother-in-law's home in Delhi, to my right is a curtain, a simple printed piece of cotton cloth that flutters gently in the cool breeze.

This curtain is the entrance to a home, the family retainer's home where his family resides but to me this curtain has always spelt "magic”. I have never been able to pinpoint why. Maybe it’s because I have never crossed beyond it. Maybe I have spun endless daydreams over it and what lies within. Maybe my idle thoughts have conjured up an image of an Aladdin’s cave. Where I, as a child would be allowed to explore its nooks and crannies and find something magical and mysterious in there...

Aaah but it’s just a curtain...why this magical feel, this constant allure..?

My children would barge through the curtain without hesitation or restraint. And in my vivid imgination, they seemed to vanish into this magical labyrinth...Oh how I envied them!I could hear their laughter and merriment within, the whoops of glee, the sounds of joy and childish laughter. I would be waiting to ask them about the home, the people that lived there and they would always reply,"Mamma, the quarters are so beautiful...it is so much fun" What do you do there"? I asked.” We play hide and seek Ma and it feels nice in there”, my older one would reply. Well their smiling and joyous faces was evidence enough of the fun they had in the little magical place that had invaded my thoughts totally by then.

My keenness to enter beyond that curtain was so strong that I just had to go in.
I did...yes I did! The door behind the curtain was never closed. All I had to do was to gently brush aside the curtain and step inside. I entered to find a warm, simple and colorful home with its wafting aroma of mustard oil and scented incense sticks...and the shy smiling faces of the family that lived there. They welcomed me warmly without letting me feel in any way that my visit was intrusive. I made no attempt at refusing a cup of tea that was offered so graciously. After all I was in no hurry.
I had finally crossed the curtain. And the magical part of this simple quarter was that it was indeed a labyrinth with different wooden doors leading to different parts of their home and each door had a curtain...a simple magical alluring piece of printed cotton cloth....!

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Each Day

Sometimes

A celebration
Positively magic
Energizing
Silent and still.....

Dark cloud
Dreary
Enervating
Noisy and raucous.....

Is it my day or is this my mind’s perception?

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Mask

Why wear a mask
Put on a facade
When we have
A core of goodness within?

Its difficult to wear,
Impossible to remove
Ugly to perceive
So why do we persist with the
mask over our lives?

Flowing with life

Ever had one of those days when you wake up feeling out of sync..a sense of disharmony between mind and body ...a sense of conflict within.I have had one of thoese days today. I spent some time meditating on why I could be feeling this way,tried to become aware of my thoughts and the patterns.It seemed more of a struggle then as my mind wandered far away from where it had started off ....
I have noticed,some days seem just fine and some seem so conflicting emotions wise...and somewhere along the way I have also learnt that when i flow with the day and what it brings,it goes just fine.But when I start resisting what is happening thereby constricting my natural flow,it becomes a conflicting day..
Just release the resistance to change and move forward with what each day brings....
I hope this lesson sticks with me...!!


Just a thought :)

"I need to train my mind
It doesn’t do what I say
Need to learn to tune its engine
For very often it strays.

My body is like a vehicle
That each day I ride
Sometimes I race and dash
Sometimes I veer to the side."

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Soulful

No more soft whispers
or honeyed phrases
mingling of our breath
or moments of stealth
Just carelessly flung words
Like lances that pierce my soul…

I plead..Don’t bar the door on me
Don’t make us go our separate ways
Don’t show me your ugly ego mask
Just let us..let us be complete together
You and I..

As you walk out of the door
and my life….

Monday, February 28, 2005

Silent World

I had never known
a world devoid of sounds
Until..............
I learnt I could hear no more.

Simple yet powerful sounds of life
Words,jokes,just a chuckle
To hear them again...
To me,now seems nothing short of a miracle.

The chime of the clock,the whirr of the fan,
Its sounds beyond my realm.
To hear them again..
To me,now seems like a far-off dream.

I look at the waves,splashing
but hear the stark silence.
I feel the rain,I touch it
But cannot hear its flow and rhythm.

So much to hear,so much to listen
all around in my world
Innane chatter,whispered secrets
so much yet untold.

I had never known
the beauty of the simple sounds of life.
Until......................
I learnt I could hear no more

How I wish .....

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Sketch-my first attempt!

***Sketch***

Friday, February 25, 2005

As I feel about my Life

I am crossing a river that is difficult and dangerous yet comforting and safe across the shore.
I step out gingerly on this journey, as I stand by the river bank…tentative and tremulous steps as I enter within its raging torrents.
The Universe has provided me with a Guide who helped me embark on this journey. Now the Journey is mine to traverse, explore and grow from-within!
I am a mixture of anticipation, expectation, trepidation as well as a deep realization that my journey is going to be one of awareness, of exploring my Inner self and of becoming one with the Divine within me...
I need to conquer the river of my life bravely.
I will.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

End of Life

Black
Unseeing
Endless pools ..
Her eyes
Living yet lifeless
Eloquent yet silent
Ebbing away
Uneven breath
ragged,trying to reach out..
Wasting away slowly yet
visibly......
The body remains
as life flows out..
In that moment,
I saw fear
or was it death
in her eyes.


I visited a dying person today in her last stages of cancer.She was not some one close or dear but what i saw in her eyes......is what i have described here or tried to atleast.
When I looked into her eyes I closed my eyes....not with fear but something undescribable.
Feb 20th'05

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Rebirth!!

I’ve reached so far,
there’s no going back now

No retracing of steps
to the life that was

My life, of yesterday and of the now
My life in that in between pause

I shattered my blocks
I severed past chords

I released all patterns
that was the root of discord

I let go of my past
and all its pain

Now as I reawaken
a sense of oneness remains.

The stillness within
The quiet understanding

As life falls into place
with no edges and irony

No denials
No resistance

Just a calm acceptance
that my new life is beginning

Life goes on
I speak I listen

It is as if I am guided
By the Divine within

(written January 11th'2005)

Soul Connections

A link,
A bond
Instant connection
Intensely profound
Intuit, we sense,
Each other’s thoughts
He knows, I know
What it’s all about
A tiny source of strength
A flash of power and love
Energies fill my life
Carries me through the day.
We grow and move
Our separate ways
Across distances and time
For each other always.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Sharing

Yesterday we visited Diti's ortho paed surgeon at Mahim,an appointment 6 weeks post her Botox procedure.Maybe I went in with too many expectations and hopes,hoping he would say something that would make me immensely happy and joyous about her progress.The doctor was'nt pessimistic or negative.But what worried me was my attitude!Why can't I accept Diti for what she is?Why can't I accept the fact that she is physically challenged and needs my help and encouragement,rather than having me mope and feel let down by the doc's non commital replies!I keep asking myself this..okay I know I am her mother and I have an older normal child already,so i know the difference in caring for both kids.Ananya's childhood was bliss whereas Diti's is a challenge.It' s been 3 years now,3 years where I've seen,experienced,learnt and grown so much that I cannot remember now a life without Diti.In 3 years she has bloomed and blossomed with love and care.I never expected her to turn out to be sucha happy vibrant child,full of joy and mischief. I feel incredibly blessed.
But this question gnaws at me all the time,intermittently..
Why cant I just let things be,take it as it comes and use this time to strengthen myself mentally and emotionally rather than keep waiting with bated breath for a miracle to happen..
or is it that I beleive in miracles .......?

Sunday, February 13, 2005

All alone

Am all alone

Within myself
In a crowd
In the inner reaches
of my soul.
In moments
of conflict.
In moments of peace
A serene stillness of
deathly quiet exists.
That I cannot touch
but feel and be touched by it.
It feels like bliss

Friday, February 11, 2005

My constant refrain :)

Ever known how elusive love can be?How difficult to describe,define and put in words..sometimes intense,sometimes sheer indifference,sometimes shutting oneself out totally and other times just bliss…such a high when it starts off,the anticipation,the waiting,the crazy smiles one wears all the time,thoughts out of control..
Somewhere along the way,it gathers more energies through conversations-silent or otherwise,thoughts,gestures,messages,words..words..words..words… …
Constant reassurances I need..to affirm that this love exists..just when I feel I am over that phase,it rears its head yet again making me wonder why why why does this need never ever go away?
Why do we have this fear of being hurt if we are open about our feelings?Why dont we ask for what we want,express what we feel easily and comfortably.Why mull over the consequences even before acting?
Why do I want an explanation for everything i feel?Is it that i am introspective and love exploring my thoughts ......
Along the way I have learnt that when i let things be and just flow,flow with what Life has to offer,the Universe does provide and things do fall into place.That is like surrendering to a higher force and ceasing to analyse and think.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

My Child-Woman

My child woman
You are growing up too fast
too soon, too quick
slipping beyond my grasp

I try my best to understand you..
Your rebellious stance,
I try to unravel your hidden secrets
And you look askance.

Your quicksilver moods
Sulky expressions
Seems to defy all
conceivable explanations.

How can my own child behave so?
Are these growing pangs
Or is there more?

I grit my teeth
Clench my fists
Rein in my exasperation
And give you a hug and a kiss.

Suddenly you transform,
Turn around and give me a hug
You devil, you angel,
My precious child-woman.

Friday, February 04, 2005

I say

I need a cue
Because I haven’t a clue
Whether you feel
The same as I do.

The words I’ve spoken
Are straight from the heart
Still figuring out
What is keeping us apart?

Do we need more time?
Do we need more space?
I don’t have the answers
I don’t know what to say.

So, I need a cue...
Do you feel
the way I do?
I need to hear from you..

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

To my children

I am your mother,
not your foe
I am a guide,
to help you grow.

I grow with you
as you do each day
learning life's lessons
along the way.

Women of strength
I want you to be
A part of you,
a part of me..

Stray thoughts

Today, we compete for everything: the space around us, to be first to own a newproduct, to get our kids signed up for programs, to get our viewpoints across,to be faster, smarter, richer, sexier. Our days are filled with stressfulcompetitions. And most are absolutely unnecessary. Because they're driven byinsecurity, fear of being left behind, an ingrained need to always have more orbetter than the next guy. It is so important to get above all this....how important is it to be compete??I feel if you really want to do so,then vie to be someone who stays calm and in control, who isn't easily sucked in by material things, who avoids being caught up in the daily grab-bag that robs one of peace of mind. Or else one gets so caught up in this endless quest for more and more that you actually make yourself crazy..!!

Friday, January 28, 2005

Happiness

In the steady roar of the sea
In the soft rasp of the sand
In the innocent smile of a child
In simply holding hands.

In the glistening of a dewdrop
In the whispering wind in the grass
In the whoops of joy
In a passion filled dance.

In a distant flying kite
In the crimson red sky
In a falling leaf
In all of life.

It’s not a mood
It’s not just a thought
It’s the magic of living
In the here and now.

Emotional Freedom

Minding one's Emotions

We know that if we eat the right food, in the right quantities, at the right time, our digestive system remains healthy. Similarly, if we breathe right, our respiratory system will function effeciently. If our hearts are in good shape and the arteries ensure that the blood reaches where it must, our circulatory system is in order. Pathology tests can verify the efficacy of our bodily functions.

But how does one keep in shape an invisible system?
Our energy system helps us process prana, chi, ki or the life force.
Like food, air or blood, it flows through our bodies, is processed and transformed before leaving us. The manner in which it does this tells us how energetic how we are.

We need to go no further than our body to gauge our emotions. If we are feeling distressed, upset, guilty, angry, irritated or resentful, we can safely assume that energy is leaving our body in fear.if, on the other hand, we are in a joyful, contented, vibrant mood, we are processing our energy lovingly.

All emotions flow from two basic emotions. Love and Fear.One group of emotions makes us feel restless and uneasy; the other brings about balance and harmony. We label the two, positive and negative. It also encourages us to accept the happy ones and reject the others. We grow up with the understanding that while it is correct to feel happy, joyful and grateful, it is in bad form to feel guilty, irritated, stressed or sad. These are emotions, which make us weak and we could be pushed into the habit of being a loser, unable to cope. Not only do we get into the habit of being unable to acknowledge what we are feeling but worse, gradually supress those feelings as they arise.

See how naturally this happens.
A young child, jealous of his newborn sibling is made to feel bad about his emotion; when he suffers hurt, he is distracted so he does not feel it fully; he is taught that it is brave not to cry. Seeds of emotional processing begin to take root in young, fertile minds. By the time we are adults, we have become outwardly poised, calm individuals, in control of our surroundings and expert at keeping our emotions in check.

Where do we hide our feelings?
We repress them within. -----In various parts of our body.
Anger hides in our liver ruining our digestion and creating acidity; responsibility sits heavy on our shoulders; inability to let go of the past and resentment causes constipation; financial insecurity might cause us discomfort in the back. Although these might seem like generalizations, they are the emotional components of our physical aches and pains. Understanding them can help us heal totally from the most dreaded disease. Will we take responsibility for our emotional health?

Let us learn to manage our emotions. All negative thoughts are caused by a disruption in the body’s energy system. By learning a simple routine of tapping certain parts of our face and hands, the end points of energy meridians, these disruptions can be fixed-often within minutes. With awareness, we can lift ourselves out of irritation, restlessness, anxiety, fear and more. We can equally let go of long-term hurts and bitterness. We can manage stress, which needlessly saps our energy. We can also heal physical aches and pains with the same tool.
Once we begin emotional management, we will begin to feel empowered.
We will live in the present moment free of past burdens and future worries.
We will learn the meaning of emotional freedom.

Taken from the Speaking Tree(Times of India)
This article really made sense to me,so true for all of us and yet we remain unaware of it.....

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Dreams

My very own
my private space

vivid
recollections

yet fleeting glimpses

faint wisps of
memories

sharp and awakening

gentle and numbing

precious and revealing

the inner me

inaccesible

elusive

my dreams

my very own



Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Mental space

My mental space,
you occupy,
uncontrolled,
usurping it so shamelessly,
wildly
passionately.
No reasoning
No logic
Just the sheerness of emotion.
I try so hard
to retrieve my space back
all for myself
It seems just within my reach, my grasp
Yet slips away……

No saturation point
No end in sight
Relentless unceasing
assault of my mind.

Ponderings

Why do I feel so inadequate?
Why do I feel so incomplete?
Why so overwhelmed
This overpowering sense of defeat

Why the constant questioning
Am I right?
Am I wrong?
How long am I going to wait?
For my life to turn around

In the right direction
To its welcome destination
Where I can feel protected
By a warmth-God-given

Do I need this in my life?
Why this desperation
This incessant need for approval
And need for expression

Sounds of Silence

Sound of silence

Madhu’s world was different. A world as unique as any others but still different...her life seemed normal and routine enough not to warrant much attention.Strikingly attractive and confident she traversed through life seeming happy and relaxed.
But she lived in a world without sounds. It seemed so unreal to an outsider that she-Madhu lived in a world of silence. She spoke but could not hear her own..
Imagine a world without the twittering of birds, the ringing of the alarm, the tinkling of the bell, noisy sounds of the children-their pitter patter and constant refrains.
Imagine trying to watch a movie and understand it through sheer lip read, tough yet not impossible...Madhu managed it with deftness and ease.
Imagine being with strangers she did not know and yet unable to communicate her vulnerability.
Imagine the dependence on someone else to guide her through her life..the endless chores and tasks…would she know when the cooker was done or the water tank filled to its brim..She could hear neither the whistle nor the flowing tap.
Imagine not being able to understand a joke, yet laughing joyously just to be part of and share the joy of her friends and family.
Imagine learning a whole new language yet not being able to teach the rest of her world the same, that of signs…
Imagine if u only knew her...And if you probed….further,you would discover that she had this endless quiet that raged within her, submerged in the layers between….a deathly stillness like a vast sea of profoundest peace.The silence seemed immovable and unstopping and infused her with timeless grace.....and probably that way why she was able to go about her life in a silent, unhurried pace.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Children- I need

I need

I need to see
Her smile
Her face
I need to see her
Twinkling eyes

I need to see
To watch her grow
From a tiny bud
To a pretty flower
As time flows

I need to hear
Her laugh
Her cries
I need to hear
Her childish voice

I need to feel
Her warm embrace
I need to feel her breath,
Her touch
Upon my face

I need to touch
Her soft curls,
Her determined chin,
I need to touch
Her strength within


For Anandita-

A Mother’s Pain

The pain, the ache,
The grief unspoken
Only visible in
Her brimming eyes...

Tears unshed,
Tears withheld,
Speaks of a mother’s pain…

The endless wait
with bated breath,
Missed heartbeats
Seems unreal yet….so real...

A desire to share,
Yet not speak
A desire to know
Yet not listen….

Her stoicity, her strength
Is in her core,
The pain is borne
Her tears now flow.

My Life-some thoughts

My Life-Its pace :)

Don’t race against time is a constant refrain
Of family and friends, time and again.
Live in the moment, I am always told
Enjoy and feel all that one can’t put on hold.

Two children, husband and a naughty tom,
How can relaxation ever be the norm?
My hand is deep in too many pies
I wake up each morning to see time just fly.

From one room to another, the phone and the mail
Leaving behind me a messy trail
With a cluttered closet and all things astrew
A sense of disarray is where I seem to find solace anew.

I do recollect a life that was smooth,
With no potholes, just a childhood truth
That life is fun, friends and play
So is it a fact that I have lost my way?

Or is this reality
So hard to accept
This getting caught up in life’s routine,
Those steps I cannot retrace

Where is my even breath, my relaxed pace
A smile for all on my cheery face
The time for friends, frolic and fun
A life where money would come and soon be gone

Has marriage changed me?
Or is it motherhood?
Or am I plain jaded
Is this for my good?

Why do I worry about what to do?
Does God have the answers or do I have them too?
So many questions, so many doubts
The answer is simple. It isn’t without.

I need to listen,
To my voice within
To pause and introspect
To slow down my rhythm

The voice that says-hey this is your life
A life, a great life that you don’t live twice
That it’s okay to take it easy
And not do things in style
And perfectly alright to
forget hubby, kids and tom for a while.