Friday, December 12, 2008


Almost every time I am greeted with her dour expression and it always takes me by surprise, sadness and a strange helplessness. Almost every day it spoils my mood too. The voice inside me screams out to yell and react but I manage to curb myself. Let me tell you this, counting up to 10 or wringing a wet towel doesn’t help in alleviating the anger. It shifts focus, true but the emotions linger on.

On ‘bad’ days (read that as PMS time, imbalanced moments), I am at my meanest best, sarcasm laden voice et al.On those rare ‘good’ days I actually ignore it all and carry on with whatever I am doing. And I manage to put that dour look away into one of the many compartments of my mind hoping it will resolve on its own.

And it actually does.

I see the dour expression shift into a total sour mood. This is followed by a silent phase and what seems to me like total withdrawal. You know the ‘leave me alone’ phase or ‘I have lots to do’.Through this transition of moods I hear snatches of conversations with friends and laughter. I wonder if the mood has dissipated or if it’s just reserved for me.
Motherhood and its privileges!

It’s the end of the day; ‘things’ (read moods) seem to have settled down a bit.
There is a smile perhaps which makes me venture forth with some inane question (the timing and choice of the question has to be right)...and soon I am greeted with some tidbits of sharing.

Bed time or nighttime, I feel is the best time to bond with ones children. Older children don’t need stories, they need ears to listen. I have learnt not to lecture or sermon. I have learnt not to immediately spark up and say, “in our times things were different” (they were different, everyone knows).I have learnt to listen yet not ask too much because it is then that all the outpourings happen...spontaneous,heartfelt,tears,litany of complaints..all of it.

I have heard the maximum amount of sharing and pouring out of angst from my teen at night just when I am about to log onto to check my mail or settle down with a book. The questions are many and to me so simple but when one is a teen I think everything to do with friends seems complex and irresolvable.

This is a wonderful yet challenging phase for me as a parent, raising a teen who needs me around more and a 7 year old who has special needs of her own.Well, by the time the 7 year old is a teen I would be an expert in moods...

I wish for more 'happy mood’ days

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Random thoughts again

I am waiting to see how I am going to handle D's surgical procedure this time..her 5th in the last 4 years.I know what it entails but each time I feel different.This time round I feel more relaxed and flowing although the underlying stress remains.Blame it on the maternal quirks.This time round D is also fearless about it.She told me she fears the anaesthesia more than the actual procedure and its discomfort.

D isn't here with me now.She decided to travel with her Nana-Nani in advance to Bombay and this is the 1st time she is away from me for 3 days.I get calls from her interspersed with a 'I love you Momma' but I sense she is enjoying her space away from me as much as I am.

Our home feels different without her.It suddenly seems quieter,tidier but too calm and serene for my liking.I am used to her laughter and squeals,the sound of her sandals as she comes stomping down the stairs loudly.I am used to my daily good night kisses and hugs from her.
I am also not used to having so much time on my hands.I had plenty of time to even indulge in some retail therapy and spending time on the computer today. Has motherhood absorbed me totally,in such an overwhelming way ?

But yes I got to spend great time with my precious older one A.I felt a sense of well being and contentment yesterday because A and I spent time just talking-about school,friends,books and a lot of stuff we hadn't spoken about in ages.I didn't cook,we ate from out and chatted and I actually played games on mini clip with her.She had to help me out many a time :).She finally told me, "Ma you are more relaxed without D around"! Definitely some truth there.She is wise for her age,my older one.It is like she is a double persona-the child in her and the growing woman in her , a beautiful blend.

I have redone the guest room to accommodate D with her cast and the therapies that will follow soon after.She will have a lot of school work to catch up on while recovering but that is something she and I are both looking forward to...playing games,watching TV,listening to music and reading books and going for walks-she in her wheelchair (will be a new experience for her and for me too ).