Friday, May 27, 2005

Going Home

I feel
disoriented
dissociated
disoconnected
from all that is going on
around me…

The myraid roles
that I play
of daughter
sister
wife
and mother

And amidst the chaos
I search for those
few moments
where I can be me….

Returning to my parents home after 2 years was a revelation.I thought I had grown(not just physically :))but also spiritually) wiser over the years and that I would be able to handle volatile emotions and arguments easily and smoothly! However hard I tried,I could not hold on to my sense of reasoning and calm.Small issues irked me,words hurt me and anything that was not acceptable irritated me.I blamed it on the intense heat and humidity which was energy depleting to say the least but after a few days I realized it was'nt just that..

It was me.Certainly the weather could not dictate my moods.I was feeling uprooted as if I was back into a situation that I thought that I had left behind with the passing years.I was behaving as if I had to vent and I wanted to scream "Give me my own space".It was not as if my family was demanding my time,I just felt it so.My misguided perception that dictated my moods.

I got a chance to go on a holiday with them,my very first with them after 13 years of marriage.My parents,sister,my daughters and me!True family bonding occured in the valley of Coorg that we visited.Memories exchanged between my sister and me while my daughter learnt more about her "nana's" childhood without electricity and amenities. We fought and squabbled,laughed and cried together like the family I knew all these years and had grown up with.

We all change.We all play different roles through our lives.I learnt this time albeit painfully to flow into the role-changes with acceptance,patience and self-restraint.

And yes I look forward to another bonding holiday soon.

7 comments:

stan laurel said...

Roles are an interesting necessity. We need them to feel safe and secure; we create them in order to identify ourselves; we rebel against those we created so that we can feel aware. Finally, we spend years discovering that "we are at 8 who we are at 80." The truth lies in deconstructing those roles are are harmful or negative, and reconstructing those same roles into positive places.

I understand "going home." It is something I do periodically, and I do not like it one bit...but I continue to go back. I need to see myself in my "home role" in order to avoid painful arguements, memories, etc... I am happy to hear you survived and are wanting more. :)

gulnaz said...

that sounds like a great holiday. Your daughter must have an aspect of you as a kid and that would have helped you to bond even better with her. It would have helped your parents to see an aspect of yours which would have reminded them of themselves and that must have helped...roles are fluid, really...we just gotta keep our own bearings.
eggzellent post. :)
the happier we are in our own right, helps in our roles with others, i learnt that lately.

mermaid said...

As a woman, there are so many roles we play. How do you go about just being you? You fear hurting someone else, by saying or doing the wrong thing. If you are honest, you come off as an independent, 'westernized' bitch. You have lost the connection with the traditional nuclear Indian family.

Oh, Jyotsna, I know this feeling of connection and disconnection all too well. I still haven't played the role of Mother yet, but I'm sure that will be another interesting layer to the mix. Will I raise my child to be traditional, or to be an independent thinker? I think that there is a middle ground somewhere.

Thanks for this. It reminds me of the frustrations, the joys, and above all, the love shared among family.

Natasha said...

Could relate to to this Homecoming...tugged my heart deep within...

. : A : . said...

The multiple roles we play sometimes have so many aspects and they blend into each other at times. These times when they become seamless are when you are 'yourself'. Thanks for sharing.

_Soulless_ said...

Oh, you're back! You have been missed, dear. ^_^

And amidst the chaos
I search for those
few moments
where I can be me….


This resonates loud and clear. I just spent a LOT of time with Mom; she lived with me for a month (she was on vacation)... and every night, I would head out to a quite place -- the biggest garden in my city -- to gather myself. Those few hours were crucial to me, for me to replenish my bucket of patience. Sigh. And now that her vacation's over, I terribly miss her. Argh.

With the company of our family, there blossoms a sense of security... coupled with a sense of unsettlement. But we make do. From whence we came, we are at our most vulnerable, and strongest, too. Love is a coin. As we all are. And our family sees and cherishes both sides of ourselves.

To no end. ^_^

Anonymous said...

Jyo, this resounds with how I have felt at times too:) You are gifted in that you can write abt regular things with such ease and fill them with emotions each one of us may have been through but may not know how to put into words :)