Contemplation

In the marble orchard
of stark stillness
we remain separated in
time.

You bask in the sun
while I grieve in
the chill of the
shade.




Written for an exercise on S & Co(Ryze)



Photo Courtesy:Ashish Gorde

Intuition

She came into our world on the 30th day of October 2001.A day like any other, and yet not quite. For something warned me, an unfathomable feeling, that things were ‘not all right’.

A day prior to her birth Dr S, my gynecologist of 9 months fell ill and was admitted into intensive care. In just over few hours, my case was transferred to her aunt and I had a brand new gynecologist. At that moment, I had little choice, just a host of unanswered questions. Would Dr M, my doctor of just 24 hours be patient and empathetic? I didn’t have a comfort level with her at all. Overall the prospect was strange and daunting.
She was born via a caesarian section because the scan revealed I was close to an uterine rupture and the foetus was in distress. Things seem to move too fast, too soon for me to assimilate and comprehend. Post surgery, despite the sedating effect of the anesthesia, I gazed at my fragile and beautiful new born and held her in my arms, close to my heart.

And I felt a sense of deep dread.

My first night, post birth, was spent alone. The baby was in the nursery. And I was in a room with many others with no space for an attendant. I had no fear, just the fatigue that ensues after birth. The nurse brought me my baby for her feed. I held her close, inhaling her baby fragrance and smoothed her curly hair while I basked in the feeling of being a mother all over again. And then it hit me, in waves, the unease and fear that seemed to smother and gag me.A strong feeling from deep within, of wanting to reject her, to push her away from me. And a sense of sheer helplessness. Exactly like what my pet cat would do instinctively to the weakest of her litter knowing that it would not survive. I felt it but did not know how to act upon this feeling. My baby returned to the nursery and I drifted into a disturbed sleep.

The next morning I shifted to a separate room with my baby. Hard as I tried to push away the feelings of the previous day, some part of me continued to dwell on it. And yet I dared not mention it to anyone lest they thought I had lost it. Soon after, Dr.B, her pediatrician whom I had known since my first child’s birth came by on his daily rounds.
Before he could ask about the baby or me, I blurted out, “Something is wrong Dr B. I don’t know what it is but...something is...”!!!
He didn’t scoff or look like I had gone crazy but reassured me instead, “She looks fine Mrs. Kumar. There doesn’t seem any cause for worry. I’ll check her up anyway”.
I looked on while he examined her in her cot. After a slow and thorough checkup, he told me the baby was fine and that her Apgar scores at birth had been absolutely normal. I was too tired to persist with the agonizing questions. He said he would drop by later and walked towards the door.

And then, just as he was about to step out, he turned, walked back towards me and looking a trifle unsure, asked, “Would it be all right if I took your baby for a 2-D Echo checkup? I felt a heart murmur just now. Murmurs are very common in new borns and 80% of the time I ignore them. But something here tells me I shouldn’t.”

I nodded my head in agreement. My baby was whisked away for the tests. I was alone in my room with the empty cot beside me. Half an hour later, there was a knock at the door and a pediatric intern walked in. In the most clinical tone that he could muster he informed me, “Your baby has a rare congenital heart defect and we have had to shift her to the neo natal ICU.She is now on a respirator”. My heart stopped and my mind raced with questions, doubts and yet more questions.

Then, Dr B entered looking worried yet confident.
I asked him, “How did you find out?”
He replied, “I just trusted a mother’s intuition”.


I wrote this prose piece for a writing exercise on "Paranormal" for a Writers Network.It is a real life situation.I am glad I could write it as it is cathartic in many ways.

Conversations and Life

I met someone for the first time and as we were conversing,
he asked me,"What do you do?"
I answered,"I live my life"
He replied,"No,I meant what do you do for a living?How do you spend your time?
I answered,"I shape lives".I am a mother and a wife and my life is a non stop whirl!
He did not get it I am sure as there were no more questions asked.

What do I really do?His questions made me ponder.Do I need to earn money to really be doing something?Isn't living my life the best way I can and wanting to be more of what I am as each day passes by...classify as doing something?
It does for me.
And as for shaping lives,a woman's energies influences her home in ways nothing else can.
I see this every day!

Am I grabbing
onto
something
outside of me.....

when all I actually
have to do
is to fix something
wrong
within myself?

or do I just think too much?
:)

Love

Love is in.......

pink petalled flowers
a lotus in bloom.

a bride swathed in silk
bedecked for her groom.

laughter lines that none can erase
a gentle caress,a loving gaze.

the hesitant first steps of a little child
exploring,learning and growing with life.

being natural,like a state of mind
not just in words can love we find.......

Life's lessons

Why are all children so special?
and
why are special children all that "more special"?
No defining characteristic that I can pinpoint nor
can i put my finger on the pulse of that "feeling"..
the feeling that gently tugs at me when I see my child,
my special one..

She turned 4 last week...4 whole years since her birth.I cannot say they have been long years but yes they have been "learning years",a messy yet challenging journey of learning for me as a mother and as an indivdual.

I still recollect those myriad emotions when I discovered that she was born with a rare heart disorder....that incessant "why me",to the racking guilt,the tormenting self-pity,sheer helplessness,anger and just about any negative emotion that you could name...I experienced all of them!

And now..
I have learnt to have faith,courage and hope...that beautiful feeling of never giving up on life and what it has to offer.
and she has that special something which lights up her face and makes her eyes sparkle and shine and her smile,that million dollar smile that lights up our life each and every day. Maybe that's what makes her special.
:)

The Chocolate Kiss

A birthday celebration,
a group of friends,
the candles were in place,
all were smiles,
happy, light and joyous
energies were palpable.

She blew the candles,
the song was sung
the cake was cut
clapping and cheering
I watched and smiled at their happiness...

She smeared chocolate over his lips.
He gently touched her lips with the chocolate too.
And then they kissed each other
chocolate kisses
laughing and giggling
the camera clicked.....


:)

I am no voyeur but a "people observer".I had a lazy afternoon coffee at "theobroma"(Food of the Gods),an eatery and the sight of tender unspoken love made me feel very good.

Tears

Pools of sadness
filled to the brim...
I try to heal them
but
they never spill......

Sun

As I stand silently by the sea
and its lapping waves,
you embrace me in your warmth,
your radiance,the spark that
uplifts me,awakens me...
to a new morning..

I welcome you with open arms.

Do we see things as we are?

I sat on the solitary stone bench
without feeling its cold hardness.
Is this what happens when one gets
so involved with one’s own self?
That nothing around seems to matter…

Why did I not want to see the
solitary red blossom as it smiled at me,
to hear the bird as it sang its melody
and feel the gentle wind as it brushed past me
trying their best to bring me back to
the present…

Maybe it was one of those moments
where I wanted to retreat into my
own little protected space
where nothing exists but me
and my emotional madness...

Thank God it is temporary!

Introspecting

peace and anger

tranquility and turmoil

do they chaperone each other?

Essence

I cannot always be like a flower,
I have a lot of garbage as well.

Just a thought

Uncharted zone
transitory
perhaps,
like treading on egg shells
crackling
beneath.

Mind games

We fight a war
each day
silently sparring
feelings,thoughts,words
bouncing against
the walls of
our minds…..

I lose
You lose.

It never really ends……

Mind

Calm as a lake
touched by
occasional ripples..
gentle refelections of
dancing clouds..
pass by just
skimming the surface.

Hospitals

Hospitals have an air about them.Grim,matter of fact and busy...! I am used to them or rather I thought I was used to them.Every visit only renews the feeling of starkness and reality about them.The sharp smell of disinfectant,the color white,the narrow beds and preoccupied faces.Amit is so used to them but I am not.I still feel that butterfly in the stomach sensation before I enter a hospital and feel worried until whatever it is that needs to be done is done.

We spent 2 days in the hospital last week with my younger daughter Diti who underwent a surgical procedure for her cerebral palsy.Surprisingly she has been a hospital baby since birth and shows no sign of discomfort or unease with the doctors and in hospitals.Lucky girl :)
Maybe some of her will rub off on me.
She is back home now recovering.It is going to take time before she is on her feet but she is on her way there!! :)

J
July 26th'2005

What If?

What if you grew wings?

You could fly
You could soar
To unexpected heights
Unimaginable goals.

Explore the world,
its mysteries
kiss the magical skies
glide the mystical seas.

Befriend the birds
and animals too
Become one with nature
with the wings you grew.

Be unfettered, unbound
No holding back in pain.
Sheer ecstasy and bliss
of tasting freedom again.

No more “what ifs”
About what life can bring
I just wish….
You could grow wings!

For Anandita
March 2003

Christina's World by Andrew Wyeth

Was she lost
or just transported
to another world?

Of lush grass in hues of
emerald and rust.
Of sunlight splaying
from light blue skies.
Of a distant home
Beckoning in its stillness.



Enveloped in solitude
and a strange sense of quiet,
she gazed with longing,
a quiet urgency
into the expanse
ahead.

The indescribable longing
this yearning to reach out
to be cradled,nurtured
cosseted in warmth and love
so palpable yet so subtle
in the tremble of her body

She tried to move
but could not..
She tried to cross the
barriers of her helplessness and anguish…..
But she remained frozen in that
moment forever.

Gazing at her home,
So distant in its allure
So inviting in its warmth
Yet far beyond her reach.


This was written for a Writing Exercise for a Writers Board,one of my few attempts!

June 2005

False fronts

Why do I create this facade?
This false impression
of a capable, strong, super woman,
of grit and steel
of someone whose heart cannot melt
or be touched……
of someone who can cope and manage
with any situation peacefully and calmly.
of someone who bounces back from
reverses with renewed vigor and energy
every time..

Is it me or a façade?
That I prefer to portray
So that I can hide
and conceal my real self…
Oh so effortlessly, so smoothly that
only a few, those privileged few can see
the real Me.

Why?
Why can’t I just let myself be?
to rant and rave
to show my pain
express my joy
sing my own tune
dance to my music
laugh like my inner child
cross all barriers and
move into new possibilities…

What stops me from
being just me?

Changed hues

Changed hues
of our intense relationship
like shifting seasons
and the sands of time.

A tranformation
that has been gradual
yet peaceful
an awareness accompanied
with a quiet acceptance.

A wonderful journey ,a blend and
intermingling
of joy and pain
of bonding and connecting
of learning and growing.

We have shared and expressed
fought and loved
with an intimacy
that belies the fact that
we have just met.

And the miracle of it
never ceases to amaze me ...
How could we connect so magically?
How could we reflect so much of ourselves
in each other?

Like one soul in two bodies...