Tuesday, April 17, 2007

As I learn and grow

You have defied all convention. Defied logic and defied life. Something that I have never been able to accomplish in all my years.
You have fought death, a journey that was so challenging that I remember each day and each moment of it still. And it’s been over 5 years now.

A journey that saw my growth as an individual, as a mother and as a woman. And I learnt to take on the role of a special mother.
And a journey that saw you play the role of my teacher without your knowledge. Such a precious learning it has been my wise one. And such a precious teacher you have been. You have taught me to gain a sense of self and to go beyond prejudices. And that was just the beginning. My learning continues.

You are now at 5 years, taking your unsupported steps all over our home, sometimes trotting, sometimes tripping, picking yourself up easily and chuckling at your own antics. And that this has happened even after your orthopaedic surgeon had told us that you would never be able to walk without support ever.

Sweet joy it is to see you relish every bit of your freedom. Sweeter joy it is for me to have had the privilege to witness your growth through so many stages…each step a challenge, each achievement similar to the scaling of a mountain peak, each experience a miracle.

As parents we learnt to surrender. Every decision we have had to take for you has involved ‘surrendering’. Such an easy word it seems,’ surrender’ but practicing it took immense awareness, faith and patience.

And your education. Just today we were told by your school that they did not wish to take the responsibility of helping you realize your full potential. And that it was a major risk. Lots of reasons and plenty of rationalizing. We have been asked to look for an alternative school for you. Very often we tend to see things as we see them, so much so that the reality is totally distorted. I witnessed it at your school today.

It broke my heart and I felt exactly like what I had felt on November 1st 2001 when your doctor told me you would not survive your congenital heart defect. I never thought I would feel this helpless again. The anger isn’t there, the disappointment is. And the knowledge that I have handled this kind of helplessness before.

I also understood what a positive attitude can do amidst all the chaos that one undergoes in such situations. Right there and then as the school expressed their decision to us about their inability to retain you; I knew then that as your mother, I had a bigger role to play for you and in your growth. To be able to help you in your journey of realizing your potential to the fullest however long it might take. To help you to learn how to think, how to learn, when not to think and when not to learn, to be in harmony and develop a tremendous sense of self and independence. I hope to be able to show you the way.

A new journey begins for me through this setback. Perhaps it was time for me to move out of my comfort zone.Perhaps I saw it coming.

(For Anandita)

20 comments:

Maya said...

beautiful Jyo. No words to tell you how i feel. What tremendous strength and courage shines through every word.
prayers and wishes
Maya

Mukund said...

that left me quite speechless, Jyo

Recusant said...

It's beautiful and honest...I love the grace with which you accept life. I think it is great that you have Diti as a companion to learn more of life with. Both of you are tremendously strong...all the best !!

Amitabh Srivastava said...

Jyo ! my wishes and prayers are with you...

Sri said...

Hey Jo,

It's said that when one door closes, many more open up. So far, if Diti has managed to open many unknown doors, there is no reason why she wouldn't want to break the walls that hold those doors. You are the privileged parent of a privileged child who - mark my words - will prove her point to the world. She already has. Just watch. And surrender as you put it.

Chithra Sridhar said...

Hi Jo,

Totally Heart-felt. You couldn't have expressed yourself better. I can actually relive those moments of yours. I admire the way you have accepted the situation and working
towards the challenge. I am sure you will equally be adept in your New Role as a teacher. Wishing you and Diti a wonderful journey together. Our prayers and wishes are always with you.

Love
Chithra

sanjay said...

dear self,
expression is the joy of being and life is a moment of celebration feelings are a vast ocean and every event is a wave...... waves never end and ocean can never be emptied.......
loads of luv and care
ssy sanjay

Pincushion said...

Dearest Jyo - hugggs!
My heart is full with the poignancy of your words, thoughts and feelings - life has thrown you a challenge yet again - its unfair isn't it? But if I know one thing about you - its this - you shall win - you shall overcome this - you and diti and your family shall emerge winners -
you teach us all with your example, your courage lies in your surrender - the hardest thing of all...
God bless my dear..

mermaid said...

Jyoti, as a mother myself, I cannot even begin to tell you how much wisdom I hear in your words, how much I yearn to hear those words from many other women. Mothering a special child is even more challenging, but you have redefined 'special', and stretched it beyong the limits of the Universe and your own heart. May she teach you always. Always. May you love her always. Always.

Om.

~IRIS~ said...

Jyo, you are a wonderful being and an admirable mother. I am just so glad that I know you.
This is such a heart wrenching piece you have written for Anandita. God throws this tests and I see you come out smiling. You are source for great inspiration for all of us. God bless Aditi and you:-))))))))

Sri said...

Jyotsna,
I have known you for a long time now and I must say your stength inspires me

Keep smiling, Padmaja

shikha said...

Jyotsna,

Courageous, positive and wise...may you nuture these qualities even more...i have become a fan of yours!!!!

Blue Athena said...

*hugs* and lots n lots of love. courage too. :)

zenwriter said...

Hi Jyotsna,

I read your blog and am touched. Yes Anandita needs you and all you can give. God will give you the strength to make it happen, as I have seen it happen with many, many parents of special children.

Blessings, good wishes, and happiness is on their way!

J

Anonymous said...

add my life...
my son is 5 too...

iamnasra said...

You always write and bring magic to us with your writing

Known Stranger said...

you should never stop or postpone the urge to edit heiehiehie

Ansh said...

Jyo,

Its so poignant. And I always learn so much from you.

You have so much beauty and courage inside you that it touches everyone you touch with your words.


May you be able to heal yourself, for wounds you can not save yourself from
May you stay Strong.

Love
Ansh

Recusant said...

Hey Paawun here..... :)
I came here from ur ryze page...started reading about Chirpy..then re-read a bit of your post about Diti.......
Thanks..for reminding me..about Miracles!!! I was so touched about the mention u make of Diti's Ortho surgeon telling u she would never walk without support all her life! OMG...she is but 6 and she already proved her point!She walks like a little deer!! SUPER..YOO HOO!!

Ani said...

Nerves of steel and a will power stronger than the tempest within yourself.... thats all I can say about you.