Saturday, March 26, 2011

Letting go

The phrase ‘Letting go’ keeps cropping up in my life and in my activities almost everyday.

I have used it with my swimming instructor when he has tried patiently to teach me to swim (I have tried to learn a zillion times and failed each one) and I just can’t seem to ‘let go’. I can’t let go of the sides of the pool. I can’t imagine myself free in the water even on a float. I have the overwhelming need to simply hold onto something amidst that vast expanse of water. The more I delve into the why’s and how’s the more is I realize how futile it is to explain it to him. He knows like I do that it is all in the mind and unless I tackle that block, there is going to be no swimming for me. So I gave up trying to learn. Instead of tackling this ‘letting go’ feeling!
It came up again during my yoga classes while I was doing ‘shavasana’.I have been regular with yoga and pranayams now for some years with a wonderful teacher who is simple and dedicated. Most of all he understands what I mean by “letting go’. I delight in the fact that I am able to come out of my yoga sessions with deep stillness in me and also able to carry it through the day(most days atleast).While doing “shavasana” which is very often guided by him, I find myself reaching a stage where I don’t feel my breath. I am cold with no sensation in arms and legs and no breath. I don’t know what seems most frightening at that specific moment. A big part of me is simply letting go of everything of the outside world and my body. But I resist. My mind that was deeply relaxed is now filling up with stray thoughts of ‘Where has my breath gone? My body-has it melted into nothing? And then I twitch my legs gently to reassure myself that am still with a body and breath…

What I never understood until later is that if I simply allowed myself to be okay with all those sensations, I would move into a higher state of awareness of self. But then ‘Letting go’, you see prevails.

That one crucial moment when I am about to let go, fear creeps in.

I shared it with my yoga teacher who heard me out. He understood without me having to elaborate and told me when fear creeps in to become aware of my breath and to go back to the deep state in which I was in. It actually seems a possibility to me and a barrier that I am going to overcome.


3rdeye said...

Letting go is something not easy and i understand

Mr. Neibauer said...

Letting go, both figuratively and literally, is very difficult. You are correct about getting to a higher state of consciousness, especially in the water.

Water has the unique quality of both containing life, bringing forth life, and also taking life away. It is a powerful medium and should not be taken lightly. Once in water, all other senses are dulled from the outside world, and you enter a different state. Even if it is just floating on your back with your ears immersed a bit.

It is good to be reading you again. I have missed your world of words. I will most definitely return.

reNUka said...

Long time! But here i come... Liked this 'letting go' post. 'cos those two words tease me so many times, not in the sense with yoga or swimming, but in so many other ways. In every such time, these two words come to my mind and keeps it in peace!
Hope you are fine, Jo! me fine as well.