What if you grew wings?
You could fly
You could soar
To unexpected heights
Unimaginable goals.
Explore the world,
its mysteries
kiss the magical skies
glide the mystical seas.
Befriend the birds
and animals too
Become one with nature
with the wings you grew.
Be unfettered, unbound
No holding back in pain.
Sheer ecstasy and bliss
of tasting freedom again.
No more “what ifs”
About what life can bring
I just wish….
You could grow wings!
For Anandita
March 2003
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Monday, June 27, 2005
Christina's World by Andrew Wyeth
Was she lost
or just transported
to another world?
Of lush grass in hues of
emerald and rust.
Of sunlight splaying
from light blue skies.
Of a distant home
Beckoning in its stillness.
Enveloped in solitude
and a strange sense of quiet,
she gazed with longing,
a quiet urgency
into the expanse
ahead.
The indescribable longing
this yearning to reach out
to be cradled,nurtured
cosseted in warmth and love
so palpable yet so subtle
in the tremble of her body
She tried to move
but could not..
She tried to cross the
barriers of her helplessness and anguish…..
But she remained frozen in that
moment forever.
Gazing at her home,
So distant in its allure
So inviting in its warmth
Yet far beyond her reach.
This was written for a Writing Exercise for a Writers Board,one of my few attempts!
June 2005
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
False fronts
Why do I create this facade?
This false impression
of a capable, strong, super woman,
of grit and steel
of someone whose heart cannot melt
or be touched……
of someone who can cope and manage
with any situation peacefully and calmly.
of someone who bounces back from
reverses with renewed vigor and energy
every time..
Is it me or a façade?
That I prefer to portray
So that I can hide
and conceal my real self…
Oh so effortlessly, so smoothly that
only a few, those privileged few can see
the real Me.
Why?
Why can’t I just let myself be?
to rant and rave
to show my pain
express my joy
sing my own tune
dance to my music
laugh like my inner child
cross all barriers and
move into new possibilities…
What stops me from
being just me?
This false impression
of a capable, strong, super woman,
of grit and steel
of someone whose heart cannot melt
or be touched……
of someone who can cope and manage
with any situation peacefully and calmly.
of someone who bounces back from
reverses with renewed vigor and energy
every time..
Is it me or a façade?
That I prefer to portray
So that I can hide
and conceal my real self…
Oh so effortlessly, so smoothly that
only a few, those privileged few can see
the real Me.
Why?
Why can’t I just let myself be?
to rant and rave
to show my pain
express my joy
sing my own tune
dance to my music
laugh like my inner child
cross all barriers and
move into new possibilities…
What stops me from
being just me?
Monday, June 13, 2005
Changed hues
Changed hues
of our intense relationship
like shifting seasons
and the sands of time.
A tranformation
that has been gradual
yet peaceful
an awareness accompanied
with a quiet acceptance.
A wonderful journey ,a blend and
intermingling
of joy and pain
of bonding and connecting
of learning and growing.
We have shared and expressed
fought and loved
with an intimacy
that belies the fact that
we have just met.
And the miracle of it
never ceases to amaze me ...
How could we connect so magically?
How could we reflect so much of ourselves
in each other?
Like one soul in two bodies...
of our intense relationship
like shifting seasons
and the sands of time.
A tranformation
that has been gradual
yet peaceful
an awareness accompanied
with a quiet acceptance.
A wonderful journey ,a blend and
intermingling
of joy and pain
of bonding and connecting
of learning and growing.
We have shared and expressed
fought and loved
with an intimacy
that belies the fact that
we have just met.
And the miracle of it
never ceases to amaze me ...
How could we connect so magically?
How could we reflect so much of ourselves
in each other?
Like one soul in two bodies...
Thoughts
The thoughts I think
are my best friends,
weaving the
tapestry of my life.
Through twists and turns
they offer me
solace as well as
pain.
They surround me
engulf me
moment by moment
as
I try to catch them
to grasp them
so as
to ask myself.....
Is this the thought
with which I want to create my future?
are my best friends,
weaving the
tapestry of my life.
Through twists and turns
they offer me
solace as well as
pain.
They surround me
engulf me
moment by moment
as
I try to catch them
to grasp them
so as
to ask myself.....
Is this the thought
with which I want to create my future?
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Questions?
Situations,
reverses
keep repeating themselves
in my life.
What
is it that
I have not yet learnt
or understood
that it keeps reoccuring
with a vengeance?
How
do I learn
do I understand
do I let go
and move on?
Where
am I failing
or am I not?
Is it that I am resisting
and lacking acceptance?
When
will I ever learn?
Will I ever conquer this
restlessness and
anguish?
So many questions.....
Although,
in moments of sanity
deep down
I realize where
the answers lie!
reverses
keep repeating themselves
in my life.
What
is it that
I have not yet learnt
or understood
that it keeps reoccuring
with a vengeance?
How
do I learn
do I understand
do I let go
and move on?
Where
am I failing
or am I not?
Is it that I am resisting
and lacking acceptance?
When
will I ever learn?
Will I ever conquer this
restlessness and
anguish?
So many questions.....
Although,
in moments of sanity
deep down
I realize where
the answers lie!
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Memories
Faint wisps,so gentle
stored away in
the deep recesses
of my mind.
Waiting to be
unleashed,refreshed
with warmth and
nostalgia.
It feels like a picture story
as one scene
follows
the other.
Of words and images
of a vast glorious landscape
captured in its finest
moments..
By my mind....
My mind,
so intricate,
subtle,
and versatile.
Yet so treacherous.
stored away in
the deep recesses
of my mind.
Waiting to be
unleashed,refreshed
with warmth and
nostalgia.
It feels like a picture story
as one scene
follows
the other.
Of words and images
of a vast glorious landscape
captured in its finest
moments..
By my mind....
My mind,
so intricate,
subtle,
and versatile.
Yet so treacherous.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Going Home
I feel
disoriented
dissociated
disoconnected
from all that is going on
around me…
The myraid roles
that I play
of daughter
sister
wife
and mother
And amidst the chaos
I search for those
few moments
where I can be me….
Returning to my parents home after 2 years was a revelation.I thought I had grown(not just physically :))but also spiritually) wiser over the years and that I would be able to handle volatile emotions and arguments easily and smoothly! However hard I tried,I could not hold on to my sense of reasoning and calm.Small issues irked me,words hurt me and anything that was not acceptable irritated me.I blamed it on the intense heat and humidity which was energy depleting to say the least but after a few days I realized it was'nt just that..
It was me.Certainly the weather could not dictate my moods.I was feeling uprooted as if I was back into a situation that I thought that I had left behind with the passing years.I was behaving as if I had to vent and I wanted to scream "Give me my own space".It was not as if my family was demanding my time,I just felt it so.My misguided perception that dictated my moods.
I got a chance to go on a holiday with them,my very first with them after 13 years of marriage.My parents,sister,my daughters and me!True family bonding occured in the valley of Coorg that we visited.Memories exchanged between my sister and me while my daughter learnt more about her "nana's" childhood without electricity and amenities. We fought and squabbled,laughed and cried together like the family I knew all these years and had grown up with.
We all change.We all play different roles through our lives.I learnt this time albeit painfully to flow into the role-changes with acceptance,patience and self-restraint.
And yes I look forward to another bonding holiday soon.
disoriented
dissociated
disoconnected
from all that is going on
around me…
The myraid roles
that I play
of daughter
sister
wife
and mother
And amidst the chaos
I search for those
few moments
where I can be me….
Returning to my parents home after 2 years was a revelation.I thought I had grown(not just physically :))but also spiritually) wiser over the years and that I would be able to handle volatile emotions and arguments easily and smoothly! However hard I tried,I could not hold on to my sense of reasoning and calm.Small issues irked me,words hurt me and anything that was not acceptable irritated me.I blamed it on the intense heat and humidity which was energy depleting to say the least but after a few days I realized it was'nt just that..
It was me.Certainly the weather could not dictate my moods.I was feeling uprooted as if I was back into a situation that I thought that I had left behind with the passing years.I was behaving as if I had to vent and I wanted to scream "Give me my own space".It was not as if my family was demanding my time,I just felt it so.My misguided perception that dictated my moods.
I got a chance to go on a holiday with them,my very first with them after 13 years of marriage.My parents,sister,my daughters and me!True family bonding occured in the valley of Coorg that we visited.Memories exchanged between my sister and me while my daughter learnt more about her "nana's" childhood without electricity and amenities. We fought and squabbled,laughed and cried together like the family I knew all these years and had grown up with.
We all change.We all play different roles through our lives.I learnt this time albeit painfully to flow into the role-changes with acceptance,patience and self-restraint.
And yes I look forward to another bonding holiday soon.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
PAIN
To heal I need you
to feel you
to touch you
in your rawness
as you tear me apart
till the tears flow....
Your beauty lies in
that you remain hidden
unrevealed
closeted
behind all the layers
so that no one else can
have a glimpse of you but me...
But only when
I can venture in there
into that empty space you occupy
where I can savor your feel
your fullness
and absorb you
and also release you bit by bit
day after day....
You are'nt my friend
nor are you my enemy
just my teacher
teaching me lessons
through challenges
that i have ignored so far...
I go to bed each night
feeling I have conquered you
just that bit
that little bit
and just when I get
a glimpse of the light ahead..
I also see the shadows..
to feel you
to touch you
in your rawness
as you tear me apart
till the tears flow....
Your beauty lies in
that you remain hidden
unrevealed
closeted
behind all the layers
so that no one else can
have a glimpse of you but me...
But only when
I can venture in there
into that empty space you occupy
where I can savor your feel
your fullness
and absorb you
and also release you bit by bit
day after day....
You are'nt my friend
nor are you my enemy
just my teacher
teaching me lessons
through challenges
that i have ignored so far...
I go to bed each night
feeling I have conquered you
just that bit
that little bit
and just when I get
a glimpse of the light ahead..
I also see the shadows..
Friday, April 22, 2005
Growing up!
My daughter teaches me new lessons every day, presents me with new challenges and poses several questions for me to answer. Questions that seem inane but have tremendous importance for her. At times I feel like discarding it aside and handling it later but the value lies in that particular moment when the question is asked. So much depends on me, the parent then.
She is right now 9 with one step into her 10th year...a decade old as she says. She doesn’t treat me as ancient yet and is still going through the stages of emulating her mother while carving out her identity in her own way. She whizzes between periods of sheer rebellion and times of great sharing and love with me….and I whiz along with her too. Not in rebelling but in steeling myself to listen calmly and peacefully while she raves about why she shouldn’t grow her hair longer than it is….and the list is endless. I let her be.
Just another stage of growing up. Beautiful I find it and revealing too. As my child has grown from year to year I have found myself growing too with her, her needs have changed as she has grown and mine have too. Maybe that is why parenting is an important part of self-growth and evolving of one’s character.
She was away with her school for a 2 day overnight educational trip. She enjoyed the break and the new environment while I enjoyed her absence in a different way. When I reached her school to pick her up, I saw her at a distance happy and smiling coming over to greet me. I hugged and kissed her spontaneously ….and ….she was actually shy “Mamma, everyone is looking” and I was smiling away from ear to ear. She has grown up all right!!
I hope she blossoms into a beautiful woman someday, not just in appearance but also in spirit.
She is right now 9 with one step into her 10th year...a decade old as she says. She doesn’t treat me as ancient yet and is still going through the stages of emulating her mother while carving out her identity in her own way. She whizzes between periods of sheer rebellion and times of great sharing and love with me….and I whiz along with her too. Not in rebelling but in steeling myself to listen calmly and peacefully while she raves about why she shouldn’t grow her hair longer than it is….and the list is endless. I let her be.
Just another stage of growing up. Beautiful I find it and revealing too. As my child has grown from year to year I have found myself growing too with her, her needs have changed as she has grown and mine have too. Maybe that is why parenting is an important part of self-growth and evolving of one’s character.
She was away with her school for a 2 day overnight educational trip. She enjoyed the break and the new environment while I enjoyed her absence in a different way. When I reached her school to pick her up, I saw her at a distance happy and smiling coming over to greet me. I hugged and kissed her spontaneously ….and ….she was actually shy “Mamma, everyone is looking” and I was smiling away from ear to ear. She has grown up all right!!
I hope she blossoms into a beautiful woman someday, not just in appearance but also in spirit.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Untitled
The Universe conspires in so many ways.....
I resist ...
despite knowing that I have to surrender
ultimately.
I resist ...
despite knowing that I have to surrender
ultimately.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
BLACK
Have you ever experienced?
A magical night in its starkness,
As it silently encloses you
In its opaque darkness.
Have you ever borne?
Intense grief
Where words prove inadequate,
And life seems bleak.
Have you ever undergone?
Deep and silent pain
Where all seems lost
And there is nothing to gain.
As the day creeps into dusk
Softly and stealthily
As the stars tip-toe
Into the dark, black sky.
As the sky is filled with
hues of a mysterious kind
You will understand what’s
black and why!
Black! Is it just a color of grief
A color of pain
A color of life
unexplained?
Is it plain dismal?
A portender of sorrows
Sometimes sinister, sometimes creepy,
Imbued with shadows
Black! So deep, so dark
Is it just an opposite to white?
A memory of a cold winter night
Contrary to all things bright
or
Is it a symbolic expression of
Grief and sadness,
That is….
Intertwined in our lives
With joy and gladness
But isn’t she beautiful,
Devilishly so,
Strikingly graceful
Impenetrable, immutable
All encompassing, it moves in and
surrounds,
Unfathomable, mysterious
Undeniably profound
One of my first poems and now when i look back,i wonder was this a forced expression,the need to rhyme.Did i let the words flow or did i contrive to make them so??
A magical night in its starkness,
As it silently encloses you
In its opaque darkness.
Have you ever borne?
Intense grief
Where words prove inadequate,
And life seems bleak.
Have you ever undergone?
Deep and silent pain
Where all seems lost
And there is nothing to gain.
As the day creeps into dusk
Softly and stealthily
As the stars tip-toe
Into the dark, black sky.
As the sky is filled with
hues of a mysterious kind
You will understand what’s
black and why!
Black! Is it just a color of grief
A color of pain
A color of life
unexplained?
Is it plain dismal?
A portender of sorrows
Sometimes sinister, sometimes creepy,
Imbued with shadows
Black! So deep, so dark
Is it just an opposite to white?
A memory of a cold winter night
Contrary to all things bright
or
Is it a symbolic expression of
Grief and sadness,
That is….
Intertwined in our lives
With joy and gladness
But isn’t she beautiful,
Devilishly so,
Strikingly graceful
Impenetrable, immutable
All encompassing, it moves in and
surrounds,
Unfathomable, mysterious
Undeniably profound
One of my first poems and now when i look back,i wonder was this a forced expression,the need to rhyme.Did i let the words flow or did i contrive to make them so??
Friday, April 01, 2005
Then and Now
I have always been lucky but never realized it.
I never noticed the abundance in my life until I experienced a lack.
I never tuned into the signals I was receiving,pretending they did not exist,until I learnt my lessons the hard way.
Now
every knock,every jolt makes me aware of
how I have grown
how I am evolving
how I am not the same person I used to be
Now
I ask for more knocks
not to suffer
but to learn
to be able to go beyond my narrow ego barriers
and to be able to tap into my deepest resources which surface
with every defeat
with every lesson
I learn every day
The lessons are new
My days are new
I never noticed the abundance in my life until I experienced a lack.
I never tuned into the signals I was receiving,pretending they did not exist,until I learnt my lessons the hard way.
Now
every knock,every jolt makes me aware of
how I have grown
how I am evolving
how I am not the same person I used to be
Now
I ask for more knocks
not to suffer
but to learn
to be able to go beyond my narrow ego barriers
and to be able to tap into my deepest resources which surface
with every defeat
with every lesson
I learn every day
The lessons are new
My days are new
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Letting go
why do i not accept that
when something leaves my life
it is always for something new and fresh to enter.
like the freshness of the morning ocean breeze
after a warm,sultry night.
like the sight of a morning sun
gentle and soothing as it
rises behind the dank and dirty shanties.
like the beautiful crimson sun
as it dips into the sea
after a hard and tiring day.
like the soft sounds of the ocean waves
amidst the cacophony of noises
why cannot i let go and be free?
Written in not so lucid moments of mental disarray
March 2005
when something leaves my life
it is always for something new and fresh to enter.
like the freshness of the morning ocean breeze
after a warm,sultry night.
like the sight of a morning sun
gentle and soothing as it
rises behind the dank and dirty shanties.
like the beautiful crimson sun
as it dips into the sea
after a hard and tiring day.
like the soft sounds of the ocean waves
amidst the cacophony of noises
why cannot i let go and be free?
Written in not so lucid moments of mental disarray
March 2005
Thursday, March 24, 2005
I am
I am a fragile clay pot
easily molded
easily broken....
Handle me with care for,
I have a soul within
brimming with wisdom and love....
easily molded
easily broken....
Handle me with care for,
I have a soul within
brimming with wisdom and love....
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
The Magical Curtain
As I step into my mother-in-law's home in Delhi, to my right is a curtain, a simple printed piece of cotton cloth that flutters gently in the cool breeze.
This curtain is the entrance to a home, the family retainer's home where his family resides but to me this curtain has always spelt "magic”. I have never been able to pinpoint why. Maybe it’s because I have never crossed beyond it. Maybe I have spun endless daydreams over it and what lies within. Maybe my idle thoughts have conjured up an image of an Aladdin’s cave. Where I, as a child would be allowed to explore its nooks and crannies and find something magical and mysterious in there...
Aaah but it’s just a curtain...why this magical feel, this constant allure..?
My children would barge through the curtain without hesitation or restraint. And in my vivid imgination, they seemed to vanish into this magical labyrinth...Oh how I envied them!I could hear their laughter and merriment within, the whoops of glee, the sounds of joy and childish laughter. I would be waiting to ask them about the home, the people that lived there and they would always reply,"Mamma, the quarters are so beautiful...it is so much fun" What do you do there"? I asked.” We play hide and seek Ma and it feels nice in there”, my older one would reply. Well their smiling and joyous faces was evidence enough of the fun they had in the little magical place that had invaded my thoughts totally by then.
My keenness to enter beyond that curtain was so strong that I just had to go in.
I did...yes I did! The door behind the curtain was never closed. All I had to do was to gently brush aside the curtain and step inside. I entered to find a warm, simple and colorful home with its wafting aroma of mustard oil and scented incense sticks...and the shy smiling faces of the family that lived there. They welcomed me warmly without letting me feel in any way that my visit was intrusive. I made no attempt at refusing a cup of tea that was offered so graciously. After all I was in no hurry.
I had finally crossed the curtain. And the magical part of this simple quarter was that it was indeed a labyrinth with different wooden doors leading to different parts of their home and each door had a curtain...a simple magical alluring piece of printed cotton cloth....!
This curtain is the entrance to a home, the family retainer's home where his family resides but to me this curtain has always spelt "magic”. I have never been able to pinpoint why. Maybe it’s because I have never crossed beyond it. Maybe I have spun endless daydreams over it and what lies within. Maybe my idle thoughts have conjured up an image of an Aladdin’s cave. Where I, as a child would be allowed to explore its nooks and crannies and find something magical and mysterious in there...
Aaah but it’s just a curtain...why this magical feel, this constant allure..?
My children would barge through the curtain without hesitation or restraint. And in my vivid imgination, they seemed to vanish into this magical labyrinth...Oh how I envied them!I could hear their laughter and merriment within, the whoops of glee, the sounds of joy and childish laughter. I would be waiting to ask them about the home, the people that lived there and they would always reply,"Mamma, the quarters are so beautiful...it is so much fun" What do you do there"? I asked.” We play hide and seek Ma and it feels nice in there”, my older one would reply. Well their smiling and joyous faces was evidence enough of the fun they had in the little magical place that had invaded my thoughts totally by then.
My keenness to enter beyond that curtain was so strong that I just had to go in.
I did...yes I did! The door behind the curtain was never closed. All I had to do was to gently brush aside the curtain and step inside. I entered to find a warm, simple and colorful home with its wafting aroma of mustard oil and scented incense sticks...and the shy smiling faces of the family that lived there. They welcomed me warmly without letting me feel in any way that my visit was intrusive. I made no attempt at refusing a cup of tea that was offered so graciously. After all I was in no hurry.
I had finally crossed the curtain. And the magical part of this simple quarter was that it was indeed a labyrinth with different wooden doors leading to different parts of their home and each door had a curtain...a simple magical alluring piece of printed cotton cloth....!
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Each Day
Sometimes
A celebration
Positively magic
Energizing
Silent and still.....
Dark cloud
Dreary
Enervating
Noisy and raucous.....
Is it my day or is this my mind’s perception?
A celebration
Positively magic
Energizing
Silent and still.....
Dark cloud
Dreary
Enervating
Noisy and raucous.....
Is it my day or is this my mind’s perception?
Sunday, March 06, 2005
Mask
Why wear a mask
Put on a facade
When we have
A core of goodness within?
Its difficult to wear,
Impossible to remove
Ugly to perceive
So why do we persist with the
mask over our lives?
Put on a facade
When we have
A core of goodness within?
Its difficult to wear,
Impossible to remove
Ugly to perceive
So why do we persist with the
mask over our lives?
Flowing with life
Ever had one of those days when you wake up feeling out of sync..a sense of disharmony between mind and body ...a sense of conflict within.I have had one of thoese days today. I spent some time meditating on why I could be feeling this way,tried to become aware of my thoughts and the patterns.It seemed more of a struggle then as my mind wandered far away from where it had started off ....
I have noticed,some days seem just fine and some seem so conflicting emotions wise...and somewhere along the way I have also learnt that when i flow with the day and what it brings,it goes just fine.But when I start resisting what is happening thereby constricting my natural flow,it becomes a conflicting day..
Just release the resistance to change and move forward with what each day brings....
I hope this lesson sticks with me...!!
Just a thought :)
"I need to train my mind
It doesn’t do what I say
Need to learn to tune its engine
For very often it strays.
My body is like a vehicle
That each day I ride
Sometimes I race and dash
Sometimes I veer to the side."
I have noticed,some days seem just fine and some seem so conflicting emotions wise...and somewhere along the way I have also learnt that when i flow with the day and what it brings,it goes just fine.But when I start resisting what is happening thereby constricting my natural flow,it becomes a conflicting day..
Just release the resistance to change and move forward with what each day brings....
I hope this lesson sticks with me...!!
Just a thought :)
"I need to train my mind
It doesn’t do what I say
Need to learn to tune its engine
For very often it strays.
My body is like a vehicle
That each day I ride
Sometimes I race and dash
Sometimes I veer to the side."
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Soulful
No more soft whispers
or honeyed phrases
mingling of our breath
or moments of stealth
Just carelessly flung words
Like lances that pierce my soul…
I plead..Don’t bar the door on me
Don’t make us go our separate ways
Don’t show me your ugly ego mask
Just let us..let us be complete together
You and I..
As you walk out of the door
and my life….
or honeyed phrases
mingling of our breath
or moments of stealth
Just carelessly flung words
Like lances that pierce my soul…
I plead..Don’t bar the door on me
Don’t make us go our separate ways
Don’t show me your ugly ego mask
Just let us..let us be complete together
You and I..
As you walk out of the door
and my life….
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